Toilets are odd things. I used to see them as a sort of marker for civilization. This one time, Gill and I were driving up 101 and stopped at a Shell gas station in King City. My need to pee was undeniable and I took the plunge in going to the bathroom. I walked to the women’s room to see a sign that said, “Out of Order.”

Remember that.

Undaunted, I moved on to the men’s room, figuring that’s what everyone else was doing. Luckily it was unlocked and empty so I moved in, and locked the door.

Holy shit what a smell.

The place was a disaster. There was one stall next to a hole in the floor where I can only assume the urinal once stood. The stall was out of seat covers (surprise, surprise), there was graffiti on everything and the stall door didn’t lock. Hu rah. Oh and the toilet didn’t flush and clearly hadn’t been flushing for a while. I bolted out of there as fast as possible after doing my business and Gill considered burning her shoes afterwards.

Now, what kind of state do you think the women’s was in that it was out of order?

So being a spoiled American, European toilets can be a bit jarring. Sure for some reason there are no seat covers in public toilets in France, but nothing compares to the squat toilet.

Now if you’ve never used one, pay attention, they can be tricky. First thing to remember: Always bring your toilet paper or tissues. Second thing to remember: Practice at home and do squats. You’ll thank me.

Now, squat toilets are by nature a toilet you must squat over to do your business. Some may say that it’s no different than say, the nasty King City Shell station that you wouldn’t sit on in a million years anyway. But lo, there is a difference. In some instances, a squat toilet is nothing more than a toilet seat slightly raised off the ground with a hole underneath and no water in the “bowl.” The particular one I decided to visit while out for a night in Red Square in Chernighiv was in the cinema basement, just past what appeared to be a mini market and the coat check all in one.

Now, thankfully, Laura Ruth has much experience with squat toilets since they’re the only kind of toilets at the university she’s training at. And like a well-prepped person she brought Kleenex to kindly share with me. I was slightly buzzed and a little stressed the first time I used the squat toilet. What if I miss? What if I pee on my shoes? It’s terrifying!

The trick I found in that hazy evening was simple if difficult: Get as close as you possibly can to the hole and you’re less likely to miss. Also, hanging on to the stall door handle for extra support doesn’t hurt. I’m glad to say that despite my buzz I managed to get it all in with no troubles, and even remembered to throw my TP in the wastebasket and not the toilet.